6
I told my first husband about the abuse I suffered as a child. He told my mum - it was her boyfriend at the time who abused me - and she kicked off and wasn’t having any of it so nothing was done about it. When I was in my thirties I heard about where he was living from someone in Middlesbrough and I told the police. I gave evidence against him in court and he was convicted and sent to prison for three and a half years. Giving evidence against him, in front of him, in the court, gave me back something he had taken from me. I was able to stand up to him and that made me feel better. I was glad he was convicted, particularly as I was the only witness, but it would have helped me even if he’d been let off.
I was in and out of care when I was a child. I went to a series of different foster-carers, though I stayed with one family for five years, but then I was taken away from them because Social Services decided they were too strict. They were strict: when I was nine I was looking after a family of seven doing all the cleaning and washing the dishes and everything, running the house for them. I hated them then, but I don’t feel like that any more: I’m not sure they knew any better, and they weren’t nearly as cruel to me as some other people have been.
I’ve found it difficult to live with myself. Until recently I harmed myself regularly by taking overdoses and by cutting myself and I drank too much. I realised I couldn’t get myself back on my feet without a break, so I agreed with Social Services for the four children to go into care. They were with different foster-carers for three months during which I stopped drinking and got my head straight and then they came back to me.
I don’t want to suggest things have got any easier. Every day is hard but I’m stronger now and I’m determined not to drink so that I can look after my children. I’d like to have some help from time to time so that I could go to a recovery group - AA or something like that - and talk to other people. AA is in the evenings so I’d have to have help if I was to go. I’ve sorted out counselling at Eve’s Women’s Aid in Redcar, which will start in September. I haven’t had any counselling up until now but that’s because I haven’t been ready for it. I think I am now. I think talking about it will help me keep my head above water.
I’ve served two short sentences in Low Newton. The first was just for two weeks for not paying my TV licence and the second was for assaulting a police officer. I’d already been locked up in a place in Seaham for naughty girls for nicking a car when I was fifteen so there wasn’t anything frightening for me about Low Newton. I spent the second sentence doped up on vallium which was given to me by someone inside. Prison didn’t make a lot of difference to me. It was just another place where I was under the control of other people, where I was a victim. Quite a few of the girls in there had suffered abuse and I think for them it is a familiar environment - being controlled by others. It wasn’t somewhere where I was going to come to any realisations about my life.
